Subject: Self-Introduction
Dear Professor Blackstone

My name is Jerome Teng, I am a student in your Effective Communication class. A brief introduction of myself, I was a student at Ngee Ann Polytechnic, I graduated in 2015 with a diploma in sustainable urban design and engineering with a specialization in civil engineering. Ever since my secondary school days, I have wanted to be an engineer. I had displayed a natural aptitude towards mathematics and science. Hence, majoring in engineering was the next logical step.
My aim is to achieve Professional Engineer (PE) status within the next 10 years. After getting a PE licence, I hope to start something in the sustainable building industry. To achieve my goals, I must have more than just a strong understanding of engineering concepts, I must also be able to effectively communicate my ideas.
One of my communication strengths is my ability to convey my thoughts into clear and concise words. I do so by speaking in whichever language is more appropriate, depending on my audience. Occasionally, it might be a mix of languages or Singlish.
However, my weakness is that I get nervous when speaking to a large group. When that happens, I am not able to think on my feet. I tend to freeze up and end up with long pauses during presentations, which only adds to my nervousness.
My hope for this module is that it will provide me with the opportunity to train my speech and presentation skills. With practice, I believe that I can overcome my anxiety of public speaking. I look forward to learning more about effective communication this trimester. 

Regards
Jerome Teng

SIE2016 Group 5

Edited on 17/09/17
Edited on 20/09/17

Commented on:
https://jp17sie.wordpress.com/ - Jun Peng (blog group)
http://cheronpoh.blogspot.sg/ - Cheron (blog group)
http://czhouzhicomm.blogspot.sg/ - Zhouzhi

Comments

  1. Hi Jerome,

    I admire your great aspiration to become a PE! I hope one day I could be a PE like you too!

    I have read through your blog and below are my comments:

    Paragraph 1

    Line 1

    1. "student in your effective communications class." The title of the module is Effective Communication, not effective communications (take note of the 's'). As it is the title of the module, it should be capitalize.

    2. "Brief introduction of myself", you cannot start your sentence with an adjective. You could put an article 'A' in front of your sentence i.e. "A brief introduction of myself".

    Line 2

    3. "I was a student at Ngee Ann Polytechnic, I graduated with a diploma in Sustainable Urban Design and Engineering with a specialization in civil engineering."

    As said during class by prof brad, you should not capitalize the title of your diploma i.e. diploma in sustainable infrastructure engineering.

    As you have use 'I' in first half of your sentence, the 'I' used in subsequent sentence is redundant. i.e. I was a student at Ngee Ann Polytechnic, graduated with a diploma in sustainable urban design and engineering with a specialization in civil engineering.

    line 4

    4. "Ever since secondary school, I have wanted to be an engineer, I knew my strengths were in mathematics and sciences, so engineering was a logical next step."

    There is a tense error. It should not be a present perfect tense as the sentence is talk about your aspiration since the past i.e. "I wanted to be an engineer" would be correct. There is no 's' in strength as you only mention only one strength.

    Paragraph 2

    Line 2

    5."To achieve my goals, I must have more than just a strong understanding of engineering concepts, I must also be able to effectively communicate my ideas."

    Same mistake made as no.3, the "I must" in the second part can be removed and put 'and' instead i.e. I must have more than just a strong understanding of engineering concepts and also be able to effectively communicate my ideas.

    Paragraph 3

    6. Your paragraph 3 is a little too informal, especially the last part "Sometimes that means speaking in Singlish, it depends on who is listening." You may want to reconsider this sentence?

    Paragraph 5

    7. "My hopes for this module is that it will provide me..." There is a subject-verb agreement error for this sentence. There is no 's' after hope when you use a singular pronoun.

    Do not be dejected to see the errors that you have made. I may not be perfect in my language, please feel free to correct me and clarify with me on the points that you don't understand. Through this, I hope we can learn and improve our language together.

    Regards,
    Hong Yu

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi HongYu,

      Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! I find some of your points valid, and I have edited my letter accordingly, thanks!

      However there are some points I disagree with.

      3. I believe the "I" after the comma is necessary as it adds to the readability.

      4. I have checked online and I think that there is no grammatical error using "have wanted", present perfect tense is acceptable. Also, I mentioned 2 strengths "mathematics" and "science"

      5. The 2nd must is countering my initial statement, my intent was to convey my opinion that, having a strong technical understanding is limited if I am unable to communicate my ideas effectively. Without that 2nd "must" my sentence will be incoherent.


      Regards,
      Jerome

      Delete
  2. Hi Jerome,

    I've enjoyed reading your post and overall, it is well-written and structured.
    I hope you'll be able to achieve your goals stated above!

    Cheers,
    Cheron

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Jerome,

    I've read your post and I hope you can get your PE within the next 10 years! It's not easy but always remember, hard work will eventually pay off!

    If you will excuse me, I can't help but to take the effort and find something that I can improve on in your post. I feel the need to do it so I can feel like I've done my part as your ever dependent group mate. (Haha)

    Paragraph 1, Line 3-4, "Ever since secondary school, I have wanted to be an engineer, I knew my strengths were in mathematics and science, so engineering was a logical next step."

    I feel that the flow of the paragraph is not there. Perhaps you can write it this way - Back in my secondary school days, I knew I wanted to be an engineer as I displayed a natural aptitude towards mathematics and science. Hence, majoring in engineering was the next logical step.

    Paragraph 2, Line 2, "After getting a PE licence, I hope to start something in the sustainable building industry."

    You mentioned that you hope to start 'something' in the industry, would you be able to indicate what that 'something' is? By being specific you will help your audience to understand better.

    Paragraph 3, Line 1-2, "One communication strength I possess, is that I can convey my thoughts by saying them in clear and easy to understand language. Occasionally that means speaking in Singlish, it depends on my audience."

    I feel that the flow of the paragraph is not there. Perhaps you can write it this way - One of my communication strengths is my ability to convey my thoughts in a clear and concise manner. However, I do so by speaking Singlish and depending on my audience, this might appear unprofessional.

    xoxo,
    Jieming

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Jerome,

    Your fellow classmate here and it's my pleasure knowing you. Really glad for you that you know clearly what you want in the future as most of us at our age are still lost. I have read through your blog and below are my personal opinions.

    In the first paragraph, "My name is Jerome Teng, I am a student in your Effective Communication class. A brief introduction of myself', I think that it should be my name is Jerome Teng, I am a student in your Effective Communication class and here is a brief introduction of myself.

    In the last paragraph, " I look forward to learning more about effective communication this trimester. ", i think it should be learn instead of learning.


    Above is just my two cents, i might be the one who's wrong.

    Cheers,
    Zhouzhi

    ReplyDelete

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